Tip 34: Beware the nemesis!

Like all good men, I believe I am likable, even attractive, with a playful wit and sharp mind. But, like all good men I have attracted hatred from those who cannot stand to be in my shadow. Those men who have been taken over by envy, who scheme and connive and dedicate all their efforts to bringing about ones downfall. Those men who just want to destroy something beautiful.

You will have your nemesis as I have mine. I will call him D.

For you see, behind his easy smile, his $400 haircut, his immaculate suit, behind the allure of his gently curved earlobes and large masculine hands, lays a man with infinite capacity to hate. And oh, how he has hated me over the years! Though I have great love for my fellow man, I cannot love him. Although I have tried, he will not let me in.

Our feud began in the aftermath of a certain romancing action film in the mid eighties, which I co-wrote, although I of course went uncredited due to legal issues. My vision for the sequel was a brave departure - I felt it time to reinvigorate that symbol of our mighty Empire the Hollywood musical, and by turn reinvigorate a coke addled America caught in the midst of lust and greed. It would be the simple story of a man called Mohammad Jewelie who had the ability to dance through flames – I envisioned a glorious homage to Singing in the Rain where our little Arab friend expresses his wonder at the glory of life under American patronage, backed up by a thousand whirling dervishes singing Yahalla! Yahalla! Glory to the Yankie Saviours! My vision was clear, my purpose pure. The rest of the people in the room looked on at me as if I was their messiah.

But D, consumed with jealously, put an end to my dream. He told me my script was beautiful and sent me away glowing with pride. But a year later all that was left of my magnum opus, the great American movie, was an insipid monstrosity. Incidental points were kept, but the sheer power of song was replaced by a pathetic machismo theme, and D's attempts to impregnate the lead actress. I sometimes imagine the little one as their bastard child sucking at her teat like a malignant growth. That they could appear in the music video together in their matching suits makes me sick to this day. What happened to artistic integrity? And the Jewelie himself: pure sycophancy. It was clear Big Oil had got to my nemesis, and I hated him even more for his weak willed corruption.

My only consolation is that compared to the original this film was a failure. But there is a moral here, and it is deep and it is true. Learn from my mistake. I leave you with this, perhaps the greatest of all war crimes: